So, now the FBI is saying that they are 100% sure that the Guardians of Peace cyber attack on Sony Pictures Entertainment over The Interview was done at the behest of the North Korean government, which means that there’s probably at least a good 75% chance that the FBI can actually prove something that the rest of us were already 100% sure of. Was there even the slightest chance that there exists a cadre of people outside of North Korea who think that Kim Jung Un is such a neat guy and that they were so upset over The Interview that they decided to band together and launch a cyber attack just to show their support for him and his crazy rabid dog regime? And by the way, was there ever even any point to this federal investigation? It’s not like the U.S. is going to invade the DPRK and make arrests. None of these people are ever going to appear in a US court. I mean, good job for getting it right, FBI. You’ve, at least, proven that you’re more competent than the Secret Service, but maybe we can make prosecutable cases our priority.
No, there’s not going to be any legal justice and we should all just accept the fact that Kim Jong Un, the DPRK government, and the members of the Guardians of Peace are going to get away with a reprehensible act that exposed some really embarrassing tears in the intestinal fortitude of our entertainment industry’s leadership. Though, there is another group that should be held accountable, as this is one of those all too common instances where the victims—the people and entities that were monetarily affected by the hack—are as contemptible as the terrorists who perpetrated the crime.
So to begin with, AMC Entertainment, Regal Entertainment, Carmike Cinemas, and Cineplex Entertainment, please go fuck yourselves. You feel you can use this country and its freedoms as a market to make yourselves giant mountains of cash by trading in what is nine times out of ten a pretty mediocre product, but when this nation needs your help to defend the Free Speech standard that has allowed you to keep pumping greenbacks into your corporate arteries, you paint wide yellow streaks down your spines and run crying for safety. Nauseating. Predictable, but nauseating.
But at least you’re not Sony Entertainment Pictures, the executives of which are hopefully learning that fear is its own prison. Sony executives, threatened with the release of additional embarrassing emails, suspended all theater and online screenings of The Interview indefinitely. So, even though a number of executives were already exposed as racists, there must be something else that has not gotten out that they must be even more worried about, and that has prompted them to follow the instructions of the terrorists to the letter.
Congratulations, Sony Entertainment Pictures, for not only allowing yourselves to be in a position where your private company emails could your ruin lives, but also for protecting your own soulless hides when you have your first brush with the coercive tactics of terrorists. I’m not sure where in Hell you’ll be housed, but you seem to qualify for accommodations on at least two levels.
The good news is that, in return for your promise to indefinitely suspend the release date of The Interview, your new masters have rewarded you with this statement:
“It’s very wise that you have made the decision to cancel the release of The Interview. It will be very useful for you. We will ensure the security of your data unless you make additional trouble.” – Source CNN
Bullet dodged. You must feel so secure, now. All that you had to do was to not callously release a comedy about the assassination of the head of one of the most evil regimes in the world—thereby making every one of us more vulnerable to attacks on our own Freedom of Speech—and now you can breathe a sigh of relief that your secrets are safe. That is, until you do something else that pisses off the Guardians of Peace or some other terrorist group with a decent hacker. I mean, now that other terror groups know your information is out there, why wouldn’t they go after it, as well?
As it turns out, however, there may be a way for you Sony executives to save face AND still show The Interview. The Guardians of Peace may be cyber terrorists, but they aren’t unnecessarily cruel to a new lapdog that has been properly house broken. Check out the good news:
“This is GOP. You have suffered through enough threats. “The interview may release now. But be careful. September 11 may happen again if you don’t comply with the rules: Rule #1: no death scene of Kim Jong Un being too happy; Rule #2: do not test us again ; Rule #3: if you make anything else, we will be here ready to fight.” – Source Ars Technica
In fairness, I’ve never heard of Ars Technica and I have not been able to find a second source on this, so I hope I’m not falsely fanning flames of hope that Sony may be able to just eliminate a “death scene of Kim Jung Un being too happy” and then this whole unfortunate episode can be forgotten. But if this does turn out to be real, you should totally go for it. What better way to impress your new bosses than to show that you can carry out their vague instructions with just a bit of panache? Just please be careful, Sony, because they still have your emails.
So, Sony, its executives, their movie theater partners, and anyone who wanted to spend their Christmas night seeing what is sure to be a disappointing and benign cinematic space-filler are safe from the Guardians of Peace, and all that the film industry had to do was to turn the United States into the second country on the planet where someone is not allowed to ridicule the dictator of North Korea.
Image via The Mirror