I had a dream one night. It was black and silver. I was alone on top of a hill which I can only describe as something from a Charlie Brown cartoon. A voice from a silver grayish cloud spoke, not to me, but into my very being (cliché as that is), and told me I am the anti-Christ. I said no, no it can’t be true. Lucifer (whose voice I’d most identify with the speaker for obvious reasons though it could have been Moses) said ‘consider all the things you’ve done with your life.’ I kept saying no over and over but the dream was over. I woke up at 2:40 am and couldn’t fall asleep for days. It still haunts.
There is a lot here. There is always everything here.
In the eighties my father sold a lot of cocaine and in our house we had a black bathroom. All the fixtures were black and the wallpaper was silver with yellow butterflies racing toward the floor because it was applied in the wrong direction. The black bathroom was adjacent to my bedroom. One night I went to use the bathroom and I could hear my parents’ friends partying downstairs, laughing, ice clinking, living unparsable highs. When I opened the bathroom door the light was on, and there was a woman passed out, head down on the toilet seat, her hands at her throat. I went back to bed. Later I pissed myself.
Last night I spoke with a friend who agreed with me when I told him I think that we’re dreaming right now, he added that this dream is different from the deeper dream in that we can remember seeing each other in this one. Maybe he isn’t correct in this statement. Maybe the way we remember seeing each other in the deeper dream is just different. Something we’re still learning. Maybe you can remember seeing me in this dream even when you’re in the other, deeper kind. Maybe the night of the black bathroom was the night of the black and silver dream. Maybe these are just colors.
We can say any color means anything. Silver money silver streak silver sliver of milky moon cast wide cross backless black of endless ocean endless nothing endless time endless now. Silver god silver scent a poultice for the plague of knowing.
Are we entertained yet? In a moonlight clearing, what’s the difference? Knowing’s a sucker bet.
We can save ourselves all the time. I got your back, but it’s best to watch your front. No one lies as good as God.
Once I made a drug. I made it and I tried what should have been an effective dose and it didn’t work. I thought it didn’t work. I became frustrated. I packed a pipe full, which was 20 to 30 times what the effective dose should have been. I remember the flame touching the drug and then breathing in and then white light. I wasn’t there anymore. Something was, but I was not. Just lightning bolts and a giant buffalo jester laughing through me and the I was totally absent. It’s a scary place. Anywhere is without the I.
You should consider what you’ve done. All the people you’ve loved and how this was good and right and maybe everything isn’t always perfect but we didn’t come here for perfect we came for the rumbling karmic slam mania and you’re piledriving yourself when all it takes to win is a couple deep breaths. You’re the Nature Boy. You fucking got this!
I used to do foils. Every day when I got home from work I’d sprinkle some shit on a wet sheet of foil and smoke it. I used to have a stack of blackened silver foils in the black file cabinet next to my computer. I’d sit at my computer and do this and drink until I didn’t exist anymore. I was all fucked up on this.
Maybe all of this was a kind of practice for the end. In the end we’ll still be here, but without our Is. It will be scary. It’s scary to swim in a pool when you know it hasn’t been cleaned in a while. Yesterday a dead squirrel was floating there, and now you are. All this death getting in our pores.
Some day I’m going to see that buffalo jester again. So will you. It’ll be scary as fuck if you haven’t saved up the good feels. Let yourself get really soft. Part of the scare is the tension in your body. Let everything happen to you. Part of the scare is the unexpected. Be okay with being okay with it. Let yourself vomit when you have to. Just not in the pool. Climb into my dream tonight and do it in the black bathroom. When you’re done splash some water on your face and go downstairs. Tell my parents to keep it down.