Four Dreams – Anastacia Renee

"Anderwelt";Lotta Van Droom

“Anderwelt”-Lotta van Droom

Dream (5)

you run with only half your wings grown in & like most hairs growing back
the surface of your skin is itchy & you know that to scratch it is not really
scratching it but merely making the feeling delayed & more itchy you find 
running faster can sometimes make the itch feel less like wool & more like 
poison oak 	you keep asking yourself which one is better	 which one is tolerable
which one can you hide & you realize as you are running your feet have become
disconnected from your legs & your legs have become disconnected from your 
hips & your hips have begun waving goodbye to your pelvis & there you are just 
all top &  no bottom 	itching in the middle of a street which looks like a mash up
between honey & lava just when you think the jig is up, this is the last straw, 
that's all she wrote, your womb sings some song about ________________
& you feel the parts of yourself rejoining only your feet have chosen to your
heart, your heart has chosen to be your womb & your womb has chosen  to be 
your hair, all the tubes wrapped tightly in a round bun, all the eggs nesting behind 
your ear

Dream (6)

there is a woman in your bed absent of eyes. this is what you think at first. absent 
of eyes. there is a woman in your bed absent of mouth. this is what you think second. 
absent of mouth. the woman in your bed absent of eyes & mouth looks at you & 
speaks. you cannot process this looking & speaking this woman was absent. absent 
of eyes. absent of mouth. this woman takes her hands & puts them over her heart. 
which is not a heart but a purple casket glowing. & you see that woman & you 
look closer in the way you look closer when you are in a dream. look closer as if 
close is not close enough & enough is not as close as you would like to be. & 
that woman tells you the thing you are most afraid to hear. nothing. & you lay 
there to look at that woman & she lays there to look at you & you & that 
woman & those sheets are dead. & you feel like maybe in this dream you are 
being reborn that death is the way to be reborn & that eye on the woman who was 
absent of eyes blinks a baby. that baby cries a heart & you hold that heart & 
that bloody baby & you see. & you almost decide not to stammer this dream almost 
decide that this dream cannot be kin to the other dreams. mother. that baby calls you 
mother & you think how can that baby talk when newborn but you remember it’s just a 
dream & anybody can do anything in a dream. you realize this coming from your dead 
toes to your dead forehead that anything can happen in a dream & you tell that baby 
to shut up. say shut up baby how dare you call me mother. how dare you have a heart. 
how. dare. you. & that dared baby with the shut. up. heart says finally. & that 
woman absent of eyes blinks that baby back inside her pupils. but the heart beats on the 
dead sheets. & those sheets some how come alive & become trees. & there you 
are now a tree trunk. & some couple are making out on your face (the tree trunk) & 
you want to tell them you are not absent of eyes or mouth—that you can smell their love 
through that woman’s black bow tie. that you can smell the fear through that other 
woman’s hair. there is one woman absent of fear. there is another absent of bravery. 

Dream (34)

the woman scooted her body down to the bottom of the most bottom part of the 
bottom of the sheet & pushed out a ghost made of wet bones & sun dried 
fingers. the child had not been accustomed to being seen so she climbed back 
inside the woman's w/hole for a time & the woman not knowing exactly how 
she managed to birth a ghost or let it back inside felt haunted. laying down 
hours later she felt her heart boo-ing felt herself growing cold & bitter & 
then (it) happened that little poltergeist came flying out of her w/hole this 
time all made of introvert & bread pudding & she was sweet enough to make any 
scrooge smirk. the woman scooted her body down to the bottom of the most bottom 
part of the bottom until she felt herself at the top until her feet dangled in 
that room like a girl being ridden by a horse or a woman with balloons for legs. 

Dream (99)

you have eaten yourself & piled on sriracha & ber ber seasonings & have offered 
diced pieces of you to your lover you have offered her your heart & she turns to you 
& says she is full & you see her digesting her own (self) there & you realize in 
the dream that you are not yourself but a rotten piece of lady bug & your spots were not 
spots but triangles & your red was not red but wilderness white & you say to yourself 
& your lover do you see i am just a rotten lady bug & she says to you do you see you are 
just a rotten lady bug & you both agree that you are a rotten lady bug when suddenly you 
become the greenest part of the wilderness white & a man with tiny thorns asks you gently 
to let him prick you let him needle himself inside your head & you were open to this 
thought   to the thought of a man willingly pricking you & you asked him if it would hurt 
& he said with honesty (because this is a dream) yes it will hurt & you unscrewed your 
head & served it to him on a tin platter & you saw yourself there handcuffed to a tin 
platter telling some kind of story which sounded like 18 other brown women’s stories & 
your lover says to you she is leaving & you say to her please	please 	take my wings & 
she says okay & you are fine with not flying anymore & in the dream god shows up eating 
brown rice& she says to you next time let it cook longer/______________________
when you eat your eyes later on in the dream you do this so you will see (better) you do 
this so can taste the future so that you could see ahead of your time & nothing 
happened but the one time when you felt the eyelashes moving all of them tickling the 
insides of your throats pandoras box.

About Anastacia-Renee Tolbert

Anastacia Renee' is a queer super-shero of color moonlighting as a writer, performance artist and creative writing workshop facilitator. She has received awards and fellowships from Cave Canem, Hedgebrook, VONA, Jack Straw, Ragdale and Artist Trust. She was recently selected as the 2015-16 Writer-in-Residence at Hugo House, a place for writers in Seattle. Her Chapbook 26, published by Dancing Girl Press, is an abbreviated alphabet expression of the lower and uppercase lives of women and girls. Her poetry, & fiction have been published in Literary Orphans, Bitterzoet, Radius Poetry, Seattle Review, Duende, Bone Bouquet, Dressing Room Poetry and many more. Recently Anastacia Renee' has been expanding her creative repertoire into the field of visual art, and has exhibited installations surrounding the body as a polarized place of both the private and political. Lately she’s been obsessed with the body's memory and infatuated by myths, fables & imaginary truths. View all posts by Anastacia-Renee Tolbert

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