“from what we cannot hold the stars are made” - WS Merwin In writing the definitive text on the state of the body in rooms I must include you Belinda & the half-hour phone call during which you described in hushed & lurid detail the jacuzzi party to which I had not been invited it commenced as this boy or that made a proposal & through their nervous giggling the other boys agreed & so the night's agenda had been set & soon as the requisite protests were charmed out of the way it began unrehearsable ritual kiss & kiss & on to the next you let me in on who over-employed the tongue who turned your kneecaps to pats of butter then spoke of the exhibition & caressing of breasts you reported on the unspeakable tenderness with which a mouth encircled your nipple then another two boys you’d known since middle school & loved & trusted & ruby light dervished into your body I heard it even over the telephone a tiny you in a ruby dress settling at the ruby piano in your chest ruby spotlights drenching the diva you had in a breathless moment become & I was envious Belinda of you the boys your gleaming new story of the secret thronging through your bones the steam that stayed behind to hold you after that heard the clanging of your bellish heart built its fleeting mansions in your hair I wished to disappear in that oblivion of softness ascend into the drowsy heaven of your arms how could I have known that it would be years until my own clumsy debriefing how could I predict the countless chatrooms beseeching screen names to show me their flesh rattling like a haunted telescope as I worshipped a terror I'd mistaken for goodness how can anything be known over the rumbling of those engines you hung up the phone & I went mad for sixteen years I stood in the road cut off my fingers hurled them at the ambivalent sky I have kissed & touched & fucked & I remember each moment as though it’s all been imagined oh Belinda let me start over A beautiful boy lies back on his bed. He’s just hung up the telephone. Everything is only beginning. A life of impossible bliss.
April 13, 2016