Two Poems – Benjamin DeVos




my parents make me go to cognitive behavioral therapy
after breaking into my room and reading my journal
all of the passages about what is wrong with america
about starting a fistfight in bed bath & beyond
a warning sign if ever there was one
my therapist asks if i often feel angry and i say yes
my therapist asks if i feel in control of my life
i say that physically i am the strongest that i have ever been
my therapist writes something on his notepad
by the end of the session i want to punch myself in the face
realizing how much i’ve betrayed myself in the past year
like when i unconsciously laugh in serious moments
to proactively defend myself against possible rejection
i laugh when my mom tells me that i am fat for a teenage boy
i laugh when my dad tells me that real men don’t cry
i laugh when my grandpa shares his theory about the earth being flat
laughing makes me feel awkward instead of sad
i laugh on my way out of the therapist’s office
then cry all the way home


unlucky day

my therapist no call / no shows me
on a day that i am feeling especially anxious
i want a cigarette but get my oral fixation
eating two hot dogs at different gas stations
actually one of them was a taquito but tasted like a hotdog
i always gain weight when i am depressed
i wish my metabolism would speed up when i feel anxious
instead my stomach feels like it is imploding
it is ten in the morning and i have already had my daily allowance
of tums and benadryl
it is time for my third shower of the day
time to panic
where has all of the hot water gone



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