Category Archives: Drunken Rants

#1 – For Cubs Fans Who Encourage Me to Root for The Cubs in the Playoffs

Today is our third birthday! To celebrate, we have been counting down the top-ten most-read posts from the last year. This one is not only the most popular piece we published last year, but by far the most popular piece we’ve ever published. Never underestimate how big the anti-bandwagon is.

 

Hey Guys!calvin-disc-1-cubs_01

My my my, you have been working over time trying to convince me to root for your Cubbies. It’s cool that you’re excited. The Cubs haven’t given you much to be excited about and I get it. You just don’t know how to handle all of this pure joy. While I appreciate the invite allow me to explain why I am turning down your offer.

Few things first: I am a White Sox fan. I also recognize that the Cubs are a better team than the White Sox both on and off the field. Theo Epstein is a genius that should quit baseball and solve world hunger through the use of sabermetrics. I don’t know how that would work but I’m sure he could do it. The Cubs roster is filled with young, talented, and gritty players that are fun to watch. Joe Maddon is like your neighbor’s cool uncle that comes through town in his hippy van every summer with a different girlfriend and let’s you smoke weed with him while he talks about how Burning Man used to awesome before it went commercial. They are an enviable team set up for long-term success.

That being said, Fuck The Cubs. Why? Glad you asked.

1) I Don’t Care About Your Dead Grandpa.

I’ve heard, “C’mon Cubbies! Let’s do it for Grandpa! I know he’s watching from heaven” or a variation of that quote on Facebook, on sports radio, in person, etc a thousand times. The Cubs are not winning it all for your grandpa. Javier Baez gives no shits about your grandpa. Anthony Rizzo gives no shits about your grandpa. Cubs fans act as if the Cubs winning the World Series will unleash a zombie horde of their dead relatives to help them celebrate the title. I understand the connection between family and sports. I have a lot of great memories of going to games with my grandparents. I also have a lot of great memories of my grandparents that don’t involve sports at all. If the only connection you had with your grandpa was baseball, he was probably a shitty grandpa and he deserves nothing. Continue reading


DMC News

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Greetings! As we approach our third anniversary, we here at DMC have decided to make some format changes. Aside from an overall site redesign, we will be putting the bulk of our material into two issues a year. These issues will be published on May 15 (Spring) and November 15 (Fall). The open reading period for the first issue will be from February 1 – April 1. New submission guidelines will be up on the site soon, but as of Feb 1, you can send submissions to submissions@drunkinamidnightchoir.com with the genre heading (if not obvious like “Poetry” or “Fiction,” the best you can describe it) in your subject line.

While the majority of what we publish is poetry, we are still accepting any and all types of work, from fiction to essays to rants to interviews to performance videos to mixtapes to anything you can think of. We particularly love the personal essay. We will also be looking for original art to put in each issue.

The daily blog will remain in addition to the issues, to publish more immediate material, as well as regular columns like Grindr Troll and Dream Weaver, and well as links, rants, poems, other pieces that for whatever reason don’t fit in one of the issues. If you would like to submit something specifically for the blog, please put “BLOG” in your subject line.

There will be plenty of other things in the future, from guest editors to contests to print editions, and this new format should help open up the time and space to do even more exciting stuff. We look forward to sharing it with you, and as always, thanks for being part of DMC.


For Cubs Fans Who Encourage Me to Root for The Cubs in the Playoffs

 

Hey Guys!calvin-disc-1-cubs_01

My my my, you have been working over time trying to convince me to root for your Cubbies. It’s cool that you’re excited. The Cubs haven’t given you much to be excited about and I get it. You just don’t know how to handle all of this pure joy. While I appreciate the invite allow me to explain why I am turning down your offer.

Few things first: I am a White Sox fan. I also recognize that the Cubs are a better team than the White Sox both on and off the field. Theo Epstein is a genius that should quit baseball and solve world hunger through the use of sabermetrics. I don’t know how that would work but I’m sure he could do it. The Cubs roster is filled with young, talented, and gritty players that are fun to watch. Joe Maddon is like your neighbor’s cool uncle that comes through town in his hippy van every summer with a different girlfriend and let’s you smoke weed with him while he talks about how Burning Man used to awesome before it went commercial. They are an enviable team set up for long-term success.

That being said, Fuck The Cubs. Why? Glad you asked.

1) I Don’t Care About Your Dead Grandpa.

I’ve heard, “C’mon Cubbies! Let’s do it for Grandpa! I know he’s watching from heaven” or a variation of that quote on Facebook, on sports radio, in person, etc a thousand times. The Cubs are not winning it all for your grandpa. Javier Baez gives no shits about your grandpa. Anthony Rizzo gives no shits about your grandpa. Cubs fans act as if the Cubs winning the World Series will unleash a zombie horde of their dead relatives to help them celebrate the title. I understand the connection between family and sports. I have a lot of great memories of going to games with my grandparents. I also have a lot of great memories of my grandparents that don’t involve sports at all. If the only connection you had with your grandpa was baseball, he was probably a shitty grandpa and he deserves nothing. Continue reading


“YOU FUCKING HIPSTER”

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An analysis of rhetorical strategies used to define, ridicule, and delegitimize the hipster subculture.

 
I didn’t choose to be a hipster. I grew a mustache out one day, because it was the only facial hair that I could adequately grow that didn’t resemble pubic hair (my desire to grow facial hair is a much longer story). I wore a fedora because all other hats messed up my pompadour. I enjoyed brightly colored clothes because too many of my friends in high school were goth, and I didn’t want to be labeled a goth. Honestly, I’ve never wanted to be labeled at all. I have spent ridiculous amounts of time in thrift stores rummaging through out-of-fashion clothing so that I could wear something that defied categorization. My inability to afford clothing from a department store, also contributed to my style choice. I searched out music that was fresh and new because the radio played the same music so incessantly to the point of torture.

Then, one day, the culmination of all the activities I enjoyed were labeled “hipster.” I didn’t know exactly what this meant, but reading the context in which it was used, it seemed reviled. The most common adjective used alongside the term was “fucking,” such as “You’re a fucking hipster!” While I denied being anything, I found myself analyzing the term. Having previously attempted to be a part of the punk subculture, I searched for qualities about myself which makes me distinctly hipster, just as studded jackets, mohawks, energetic music, and vague antipathy we though made the punk subculture. I found various similarities between the hipster and punk subculture, especially in how they are, or have been, portrayed in pop culture. Both possessed an aversion to capitalistic materialism (at least punk did before Hot Topic). Both decreed an alternative lifestyle. Both yearned for their particular “authenticity.” Both are derided and shunned by mainstream culture. Continue reading


You want an Egg McMuffin? Fuck you. Or: Why all-day breakfast menus bring out the worst in me

mcd_hash_mcmuffin1. You want an Egg McMuffin after one PM? Fuck you.Consider the type of people who want to eat Egg McMuffins in the afternoon. Would you trust them with your small children? Would you trust them with any major financial decisions? The answer is NO, because these people traditionally woke up just an hour ago. They are probably still fucked up from yesterday. They smell like whisky sweat and the kind of regret that only happens in your mid to late twenties. No one spends at least four hours at their reasonable and well-paying adult job before thinking, “Gosh, I’d love an Egg McMuffin right now.” They are too busy thinking about salads and responsibility. That fast food breakfast shit is for the degenerates, the drunks, the hungovers, the baristas and bartenders who make too little to put up with this shit. No reasonable accountant or otherwise accountable person thinks to themselves, “Gosh, you know what I would like? Breakfast for lunch.” I’m sorry. It’s just unacceptable. Which leads me to…

2. Fuck you for thinking, “Wait! I’d love an Egg McMuffin for lunch, and I thought that the whole time I read the last paragraph.” It won’t work out for you, padre, and here’s why. You have REAL JOB PRIVILEGE. What does that mean? You haven’t sold your soul so completely that you deserve an Egg McMuffin. Let’s be honest: you haven’t ever been willing to wake up before 7 AM  even on the good days. Overtime? You insist on compensation. Healthcare has been real for you at least once in the past six months. (That means someone else mostly paid for your weird lumps.) You probably even work for a young and hip start-up that pays for your cell phone and believes in “parental leave”. (How liberated!) When these factors are combined, they mostly mean that the least you manage is combing your hair every other day, rushing to work, and probably eating the gross instant oatmeal you keep in your office drawer. You routinely tumble into your practical car and drive to your practical job and you never have time to sit in the drive-thru line for a goddamn Egg McMuffin. So you’re not allowed to hop back into your great-mileage Suburu at lunchtime and get a fucking breakfast sandwich. That’s just not how this works, you rich motherfucker. Get Lupe to cook you some real fucking breakfast. Continue reading


American Rot

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..[W]e are not the only country on Earth that has people with mental illnesses or want to do harm to other people. We are the only advanced country on Earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months.”

-President Barack Obama, October 1, 2015

 

I don’t have any answers, but I have observed some things. Yes, mental illness is a major factor. But clinical mental illness alone does not explain 294 mass shootings in 274 days. It can’t possibly. There is a massive coalition of historical, cultural, and political forces at work that have produced this insane phenomenon of violence, and it will not soon be undone. It is a psychic cultural wound. Our spirit is being crushed on every front. What it comes down to is that we do not value each other. We value things. And ideologies. We are deeply divided across so many lines, and we have our loose tribes, but even then we are an “every man for himself” society. In this society, we are told that you are only worth what you can get– money, fame– and our form of mega-capitalism tells you that the sky is no limit, and there are no regulations about getting what you want, and that you can and should acquire as much as humanly possible at any cost. We are a repressed puritanical society that shames you for wanting sex and alcohol and drugs and pleasure, and then trillions of dollars are spent dangling all of these things in front of you, telling you that you are not good enough unless you buy everything they are selling so that you will finally be worth something. In the meantime they feed you all the porn you could ever want, and stoke your frustration with violent films and computer games, tripping your automatic impulses over and over, instilling deeply misogynistic and racist and fundamentalist ideas in your head, as a focus for your ire and frustration. Continue reading


CSI Miami is not a War Crime—It’s Worse

csi_miamiswapmainCSI Miami is an abomination.

CSI Miami is a crime against humanity.

CSI Miami may be more dangerous to society than those fast-breeding radioactive toilet piranhas that the government keeps releasing into the water table.

If you have based anything in your life—an opinion, dinner plans, a career goal—on watching CSI Miamiplease report to your local town hall, fill out the appropriate paperwork, and proceed to the nearest suicide chamber in an orderly fashion. Do it even if you just like the show. Continue reading


COMMENTS ON! – Je Suis…?

charlieImmediately after masked gunmen, armed with automatic weapons and shouting “Allahu Akbar!”, murdered two police officers and ten staff members of the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo, in Paris on Wednesday, the hashtag #jesuischarlie began spreading quickly around the world — a gesture of solidarity with the victims. The implication of declaring “I am Charlie” was that any one of us is in danger of being attacked for voicing our opinions, particularly for criticizing fundamentalists, tyrants and hate-mongers, and those who use fear and violence to silence their opponents. Regardless of the politics involved, the unsavory nature or unpopularity of the viewpoint, the cornerstone of a democratic society is the right to express any and all ideas without fear of retribution from governments or other powerful entities.

This was not the magazine’s first brush with violence or the ire of fundamentalist Islam. In 2011, the offices were firebombed in response to an issue that had a cartoon of the prophet Muhammad on its cover, threatening the reader with 100 lashes for not laughing. In 2006, they provoked outrage from the Muslim world, as well as several anxious French politicians, for reprinting the infamous Danish cartoons from the year before, depicting Muhammad (the depiction of Muhammad in any context is considered extremely blasphemous.)  The magazine, founded in 1970, with a few stops and starts, has a strong left-wing, anti-authoritarian, anti-religious ideology, having placed everyone and everything from Charles de Gaulle to the major Abrahamic religions in its satirical crosshairs. Continue reading


“The Interview” – One For The Terrorists

MAIN-Kim-Jong-Un-filmSo, now the FBI is saying that they are 100% sure that the Guardians of Peace cyber attack on Sony Pictures Entertainment over The Interview was done at the behest of the North Korean government, which means that there’s probably at least a good 75% chance that the FBI can actually prove something that the rest of us were already 100% sure of. Was there even the slightest chance that there exists a cadre of people outside of North Korea who think that Kim Jung Un is such a neat guy and that they were so upset over The Interview that they decided to band together and launch a cyber attack just to show their support for him and his crazy rabid dog regime? Continue reading


Honest Conversation is Overrated #2: Unboxing Days

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About half the people who go into a retail store on any given day have no idea what they’re looking for. Some have the patience to ask the staff for assistance or get advice from customers who are happy to dispense advice, but many turn their frustration into an airborne virus and will not rest until every customer and employee want nothing more than to flee the store. Continue reading